Heidi Elizabeth Philipsen-Meissner

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FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
 
MICHIGAN NATIVE MAKES SOLO DIRECTORIAL DEBUT WITH 
“LOVE AND VODKA,” PREMIERING AT CINETOPIA FILM FESTIVAL 
ANN ARBOR JUNE 23, 2024
Ukrainian-American Romantic Comedy Celebrates Transatlantic Friendship Between Two Countries with a Focus on Love and Laughter in a Time of Tragic Loss and War
 
ANN ARBOR, Mich. – June 3rd, 2024 – “Love and Vodka,” an independent film five years in the making, is set to make its debut at the upcoming Cinetopia Film Festival Ann Arbor. The movie, which was shot in Bay City and Grayling, Mich., is directed and produced by University of Michigan and Eastern Michigan University graduate Heidi Philipsen-Meissner, Director/Producer/CEO of Personae Entertainment. The movie stars Ukrainian actress Svitlana Kosolapova and American actor Zack Bradley.
 
The film will be the final film screened at Cinetopia Film Festival Ann Arbor on June 23, 2024, at 5 p.m. For more on the screening and festival, visit https://marquee-arts.org/cinetopia/.
 
“Love and Vodka,” which is based on a true story, is about a high school film teacher who recalls the magic of 2018 when he fell in love with a Ukrainian exchange student and impulsively traveled to Ukraine to propose to her and meet her family. Three years later, the war breaks out, as he works to finish the script and save the love of his life. 
 
The trials and tribulations in “Love and Vodka” were mirrored in real life during the filmmaking process, as Philipsen-Meissner made a transatlantic move from Michigan to Germany to immerse herself in the European film industry to find coproducing partners in Ukraine and Germany. Plans were then put on hold when Covid-19 emerged, and she experienced several deaths in her family. The film was then set to begin shooting in the summer of 2022 but was put on hold once again with the Russian attacks on Ukraine. The script then had to be rewritten to be respectful of the current times and the location was moved to Michigan.
 
“While I have experienced my own difficulties during this process, it will never compare to what our fellow human beings in Ukraine and Ukrainian refugees around the world have been through and are still going through,” said Heidi Philipsen-Meissner of Personae Entertainment. “Being able to tell a heartwarming story about their culture, country, and people has been my way of keeping hope alive.”
 
“Love and Vodka” quickly turned into a passion project for Philipsen-Meissner, as she found her heart pouring out for Ukraine. While making the movie, she simultaneously focused on protesting, giving, and helping whenever and wherever she could. While living in Germany, she helped find homes and language lessons for refugees and donated cartloads of non-perishable items for volunteers.

“As an artist-activist who understands the power of storytelling, I started to understand this war was as much about culture and identity as it was about geopolitics,” said Philipsen-Meissner. “This led me to believe that maybe making a film about love and Ukrainian culture wasn’t such an off-kilter idea, after all.”
 
To see a preview of ‘Love and Vodka’ and to support this film as it makes its way to other film festivals across the country and world, please visit: https://www.love-vodka-movie.com.
 
For more on ‘Love and Vodka’ and Personae Entertainment, visit https://www.personaeentertainmentpictures.com/.
 
About Personae Entertainment 
Personae Entertainment Pictures is a film development and production company that started out as a small collective making short films, local commercials, and production managing low-budget indies in upstate New York. It has evolved into a transatlantic company with offices in Berlin and Detroit, with a singular focus on international feature films. Developing its own IP content, while also partnering with collaborators, Personae Entertainment Pictures is dedicated to collaborating with innovative filmmakers and international co-producers. 
 
Media Contact
Jason Brown, PublicCity PR, [email protected]; 248-663-6166
 
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Very excited to share the official poster for my solo directorial debut feature, "Love & Vodka," as created by the talented Sean Strong. For more information, please go to: www.love-vodka-movie.com 

привіт (Hello) Everyone! This is my first of many updates.

Very soon, I'll be adding some of the team members to this GoFundMe page, but for now, I'm holding down the fort and sharing a bit about our campaign.

If you've landed on this page, I'd like to thank you for considering supporting us, as we've got a fantastic collective team behind LOVE & VODKA, and most of the producers have been working either on spec or pro bono -- such as myself.

"On spec" and "pro bono" for over four years is a long time, and though I love film and directing and producing so much that I consider it a joy and a privilege, there is only so far you can go without funding.

And so we have built and amazing movie on a "wing and a prayer" and most people would never believe what we've been able to achieve with the time and resources we've had.

The truth is that there are so many filmmakers out there right now and stories to be told that you've got to work hard to get your cinematic story out there for people to know you exist.

This script wasn't mine, originally. RJ Fox brought it to me in the fall of 2017 and I was so busy getting my first feature, DARCY, out there into film festivals and distribution, that I didn't have time until the summer of 2018, to read it. I optioned it originally. But over time, it needed a lot of development work to keep up with the times and so I, and several others, helped contribute to get it to where it is today.

And where it is today reflects more upon the times in Ukraine and all that the world has been through in the last several years.

And yet, as director and a screenwriter, I've decided that it's best to stay hopeful and positive. Ukraine is going through enough turmoil right now and my act of defiance is to focus on love, family and bridging transatlantic borders. Hope is so important. So many people in dire situations are holding on because of hope. And I've worked hard to find Ukrainian cast and crew - many who are currently in refugee status after fleeing the war - for whom this film's subject matter and working on it could be a beacon of hope.

Take our Editor and Colorist, Yakiv, for example. He's one of many. He's left Ukraine for Vancouver and has been starting from scratch in his life. His family is still home in Ukraine and though he is naturally a hopeful and positive person sometimes, while we are in an editing session, he opens up about how its hard, how he worries about his family. It's becoming "normal" to hear about bombs in his hometown where his parents still live. We've been working via Skype together since October. It's a 9 hour time difference and while he's starting his day at 9:30 a.m., I'm setting in for an evening session of editing with him at 6:30 p.m. my time - because I am usually in Berlin (when I'm not in my home town of Ypsilanti, Michigan, where I grew up).

Yakiv's shared with me that he's enjoyed working on a positive and feel-good film about his country and his people, as there are so many documentaries and stories about war and crime in Ukraine that he can't see it anymore. It sends him into a bleak depression.

LOVE & VODKA has been not only a professional opportunity and source of income for him, it's been a beacon of hope and medium for laughter... something he has needed so much during these difficult times in his young life. Yakiv is a young professional trying to live a normal life and focus on creating a future. He's enormously talented and we are lucky to be working with him. I've paid him out of my own pockets up until now.

But I am now in debt and my pockets are empty. And so I'm turning to #gofundme and the public to help me out. "Why don't you have more producers raising funds?" you might be asking yourself. "Good question," I answer.

Honestly, prior to the war in Ukraine, I did have a contract with a Ukrainian co-producer and co-production company and we were going to shoot Love & Vodka on a $1 million budget in Odessa. And then the war broke out. And my producer had to drop this project for obvious reasons - he had to protect his family from Russian bombs. My option on the script was running out and, after asking RJ Fox for an extension, he felt that he couldn't extend it.

Thus, respecting his decision but not able to let go of the time and money I had already invested in the film, I decided to make this film the way I know as an American grass-roots indie filmmaker, crowdfunding.

Crowdfunding is not easy. It's humbling to ask for support. When people don't respond, it's very easy to take it personally and you find yourself wondering if you are good enough. If your project is worthy. Many fellow producers have told me to let this project go. That would have been the easy thing to do. I don't know... maybe I should have.

But when I believe in something, I believe in something. That... and I have a heart for the underdog - I always want to see them succeed.

This film, LOVE & VODKA, though it started out as a piece written by fledging screenwriter RJ Fox (who has come a long way since he first wrote the original script and has since written many scripts, books and essays), has turned out to be so much bigger than any of us. For me, it's a vehicle for hope and standing up against the bullies of the world. More on that later, but for now -- thank you for reading.

​If you are so inclined, please help spread the word and share via word of mouth, email, social media shout out, essay, blog or news article.

On November 26th, I decided to make a major change in my life.  

I quit drinking alcohol and dedicated my mission toward a clean, #sustainable food diet (made up of foods that are organically and sustainable raised and don't hurt the earth's climate or environment) and healthy lifestyle.  That meant being cognizant of my mental health, as well, and not engaging in anything that would jeopardize it (including over-indulgence of social media).

I made it through the Holidays without taking a single sip of champagne (a huge one for me) and, though I did partake of heavier Holiday foods, I made sure it was fair-trade and firmly planted in #regenerativeagriculture.

Now that we are in January 2024, I'm committing myself to a year of clean eating, cutting down the sugars and unhealthy fats, engaging instead in more exercise, therapy for a mental-health-awareness tune-up, and pursuing those things in my career that truly give back to me -- like acting, writing, producing and directing.

The added benefits of a healthy lifestyle impact not just you, but also those around you (when we are more optimistic, we share the joy and #positiveoutlook) and the environment. But don't just take my word for it, watch "You Are What You Eat," currently on #Netflix. Check out the trailer:

That means finishing #loveandvodkamovie (www.love-vodka-movie.com) and getting it ready for #FILMFESTIVALS and #FILMDISTRIBUTION as well as making progress on developing my #feature #KIDNAPPINGLOVEMOVIE (www.personaeentertainmentpictures.com) for #production. And #acting - wohoo - can NOT wait to get back into the groove in my acting. I do love it so and it makes me feel so amazing.  

First things first on that front: #HEADSHOTS ! 

I got my first headshots when I was 14 and would say that I've had some great ones that really worked for me in my career. Now that the Covid-19 Lockdown is a thing of the past and I'm ready to come out of my pandemic-cave, I need new ones - and it's always good to get a refresher course and be freshly inspired on how to go about getting ready! 

I like this tutorial on how to prepare for Actors Headshots, as the tips are pertinent not only for actors, but anyone who needs new professional pics (and, let's face it, in today's online world, we all do).  And though I knew all of these tricks-of-the-trade, once upon a time,  I think Audrey Hope (disclaimer: I do not know Audrey, but found her video after doing some research - she had one of the better videos I've seen. Great job, Audrey!)

​Did I mention that I'm also working on a refresher on being better organized?  Look, I'm GenX, I've been around the proverbial cleaning and organizational block a few times. I used to get paid as a top executive assistant to help top VIP Execs become and stay administratively organized and make sure the office was well-managed.

But over the years, I've noticed of late that I've gone through a bit of burnout. Especially since I've gone from organizing someone else's life for a profession to organizing a whole household, including my mother's, AND running a global business.  It's exhausting just thinking about it.

How to get re-energized and refocus my energies so that they are aligned?  Well, I have to say that I really liked #CLEANMYSPACE and their #YOUTUBE tutorial.

​If you're a woman in film & television like me, with your own production company, fiscally responsible and juggling with career with family, you totally get that being in the know of the latest organizational tools is a MUST.

I still love #Outlook and #Google apps and #Slack, I must admit. But I'm always looking for new apps to work with my various #teams.   Right now, for example, I've got two separate teams in #postproduction for #LOVEANDVODKAMOVIE - and I'll eventually need to merge their workflows into one.   That might take a new app to coordinate and drive forward.

Don't get me wrong, I used to always be in the know... but these tools have changed so much in last several years (the pandemic was like a warp speed  vehicle for online services), so I can't get enough in researching what the latest and greatest online organizational products and services are for getting my act together and moving forward in my #careergoals (without falling back in my finances).

I really like the YouTube video by Efficient App (Alex & Andra) - they do a great job of outlining new apps and how they differentiate. 

​
So join me on my journey and follow me on #INSTAGRAM to not only keep up with how I'm doing, but also share if you are doing the same, and if you have healthy recipes or tips on how to be better organized or motivation strategies for exercise - let me know! 

We are all in this together and by this time around the sun, I've come to embrace that when the learning stops, the creativity and excitement stop.  So let's get learning! 

Over the course of the last four years, while moving abroad from Ypsilanti, Michigan / Schenectady, New York to Hamburg, Germany (2018) and then Berlin (2019), all while continuing with her M.B.A. in Management graduate studies at Eastern Michigan University's College of Business AND being a mom to two teenagers adjusting to life as international expats abroad, I penned my first romantic comedy about a couple renewing their love and rekindling their romance in their marriage after  their 20th wedding anniversary -- KIDNAPPING LOVE.

Working with Tim Albaugh who I first met via UCLA's Professional Advanced Screenwriting program before he moved not to form the consulting business ProPath Screenwriting business, I kept at the screenwriting process, working on and off whenever I could carve out the time, and never let go until... finally... it felt like I had something I could send to a couple of choice competitions.

The patience and hard work has been proving itself worthy: "Kidnapping Love" made it to the quarterfinals of the ScreenCraft Fellowship Competition 2022 and was in the top 15% of over 5,500 entries in the Nicholl Fellowships in Screenwriting Competition.

As a result of these competitions, I've gone back to the pages and plan on making several tweaks -- but feel very excited about the response my first feature film screenplay has received. I have two other screenplays I plan on going back to revisit and tighten, as well as a new action comedy that I can't wait to start.

Now that my eldest child is off to college and I've finished my M.B.A. in Management, I finally have the time.  

​Check back here for more details -- Not sure what happened between now and October 2019 (sheesh, you'd think there was a pandemic that hit the world or something!), but I promise to work on updating the Blog much more often!

 -- andThe past several months in my spare free time, I've been logging quite a few volunteer hours, organizing a special event:
"Transatlantic Empowerment: Networking Beyond Borders" with panel guest speakers Amanda Toney, Managing Director of Stage32, and Adriana Shaw, Founder of Herflix, will take place this Friday, October 4th at 4 p.m., via Women in Film & Television Germany/Hamburg Chapter at the Hamburg Film Festival, or #filmfestHamburg.
One of the many reasons that this event is so near and dear to my heart is because, having lived and worked abroad in Germany, while also experiencing and logging professional years in the film industry in the United States, I've learned that the best thing that women can do for gaining insight, knocking out boundaries of discrimination, networking and gaining a whole new perspective on the industry and careers across borders is by intercultural communication.
I'm exceptionally excited that this event is finally coming together - tomorrow! And I'm grateful to my colleagues at WIFT Germany/Hamburg , NYWIFT, Amanda Toney and Adriana Shaw -- and the American Consulate General Hamburg -- for their support all along the way.
If you happen to be in Hamburg, please join us!
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“Life is what happens to you when you’re busy making other plans.” – BEAUTIFUL BOY (DARLING BOY), song text by John Lennon

August 9, 2019

Week two of my new beginning in blogging… of sorts.

Actually, I wrote my first “Blog” over 17 years ago after my son Maximilian was born: “Mama & Co.”
I had given birth to Max, my first child, just two weeks after graduating from Columbia University’s School of International & Public Affairs with a Master’s Degree in International Media & Communication and a regional focus on the European Union.

I hadn’t expected to be pregnant during the final year of my graduate studies at an Ivy League university in the heart of the Big Apple.  In fact, I could hardly believe that I was accepted into an “Ivy League” at all – not that didn’t have the grades or experience to back it up, but rather that EVERYONE questioned my credentials and ability to get in (except my father, who always told his daughter she could do anything).

But get in I did and I studied my little heart out to prove my worthiness.  Still, as singer/musician/song writer/activist John Lennon once wrote, “Life is what happens to you when you’re busy making other plans.”

On September 11th, 2001, I was one of the many in New York when the Twin Towers were attacked by terrorists via hijacked planes and the tragic experience shaped me, as it did so many alive then, forever.

Prior to 9/11, I was busy with both grad studies and acting lessons (Columbia by day, T. Schreiber Studios by night), “burning my own candle at both ends,” as my father would say – and I had just returned from a summer in Berlin, where I completed a four-month internship in film development and international co-productions at acclaimed German auteur director Wim Wender’s film company, Road Movies GmbH.

Excited to be back in New York and push forward with my studies, looking forward to the job search season before me in the coming winter and spring when I aspired to land a plum position at a top film studio in Lost Angeles, I had no idea that my future, like many New Yorkers after the 9/11 tragedy would be much different.

Unlike many unfortunate victims who perished senselessly in the heinous, terrorist act, I was alive.
Sitting in my empty apartment in Hamburg now, the memories flood the space and leave me breathless.  I literally forget to breathe when reflecting back on those times. I’m actually crying as I write this, the emotions washing over me… gratitude, loss, anger, fear, sadness… awe.
Life is a wonder. I marvel at my circumstances. And like Oprah says, “What I know for sure…” is that God had different plans for me back then.

My husband’s birthday is, coincidentally, September 14th and like many transplanted New Yorkers, I wanted to stage his birthday at the World Trade Center. No kidding. I had it all planned out meticulously several weeks in advance:
I was going to meet up with him at the end of the work day, blindfold him and take him in the elevator to the very top visitors’ deck and then, “Ta-da!!!” He would take off the blindfold and find me before him with a birthday cupcake and the most incredible panoramic views of Manhattan behind me.

It was a romantic gesture to compete with the schmalziest Nora Ephron movie.

Instead, on September 14th, I found myself heading down to volunteer at the triages of Ground Zero, desperate to be of assistance in any way.  All New Yorkers – young and old— where bonded together by this singular fate and we all wanted to pitch in to rebuild our city in whatever way we could.

Thus, instead of celebrating his birthday on the top of the tallest skyscraper in New York, Niko and I ended up cherishing the day somberly at home in Bayside, Queens, grateful for the life he and I still had to appreciate.

It wasn’t until about two weeks later that I awoke one morning, not feeling so well. I won’t go into all the symptoms, but suffice it to say that one visit to the doctor and a blood test later, my universe shifted again.

“What are your daily activities since the attack? How are you taking care of yourself?” the doctor asked after performing my check-up. I told her about my volunteer work at Ground Zero.
“I wouldn’t go down there anymore,” she said.
“Why?” I asked.
“Because it wouldn’t be good for your baby – You’re pregnant.”

One Google search on the “health effects of Ground Zero,” and we now know how unsafe and toxic the atmospheric dust surrounding Ground Zero was in the days, weeks and months after the 9/11 terrorist attacks on the World Trade Center.  Countless firefighters, police officers, civic servants, volunteers and citizens living near that area, who breathed in the air laced with a poisonous mixture of plane fuselage and building asbestos, are literally dying of cancer still today.

So, now, with hindsight, I see that was blessed to be pregnant in more ways than one.
And though, as I mentioned earlier, it wasn’t the “best career strategy” to be in your last trimester of pregnancy at the same time that you’re finishing your final semester of graduate school – considering the circumstances, I felt more than adequately blessed.

In fact, Niko and I named our first born son “Maximilian Amadeus” to commemorate our gratitude.
Fast forward several months after graduating in May of 2002 (I was as big as a house, but still determined to wear high heels at graduation!), the birth of Max (two weeks after graduation!) and a bout of post-graduation-post-partum-post-9/11 depression, I decided to keep myself busy during the long, lonely days of solitude and… yes, loneliness… with my newborn by challenging myself to start a daily blog about my experiences, sharing anything and everything about the shifting life for a once-sharp professional twenty-something turned dazed and confused novice mom.

I kept it up for a whole year – my goal – through thick and thin, sleepless nights,  caffeine-fueled days and milk-stained t-shirts. Writing my own blog made me feel as if I had at least some semblance of a professional life and connection to the creative me -- and was a literal Booby Prize for not getting that sought-after job at a big Hollywood studio in L.A.

I told myself that, at the very least, the writing would be a wonderful gift to my son one day.  But perhaps, just perhaps, I could turn them into a book. (Or maybe, just maybe, a movie?)

Well, seventeen years later, and I still have those pages. All 365 or more of them. I haven’t turned them into a book as of yet and there is no movie in the works (hmmmmm?!) but I do plan to give them as a special gift to Max when he graduates from high school.

Before Maximilian Amadeus embarks on his adult life, I want him to remember how he came to be and why "life happening while you make other plans" is oftentimes the very best of things.


 
 
 

Friday, August 2, 2019 - 7:13 AM
 
A New Beginning…Of Sorts
 
It’s raining in Bergedorf, Hamburg; the pitter-patter of raindrop’s blanket of soothing sound intertwines with that of local church bells clanging away and bird’s morning chatter like a river over rocks and stones.
 
If the above words seem jumbled and out of sorts, it’s because I’m still recovering from Detroit to Hamburg jetlag.  
 
Funny, they didn’t seem that way in my head – when I found myself at 5 a.m., wide awake, unable to silence the constant traffic of words lined up into thoughts, surfing my sanity and consciousness.
 
This morning at 5 a.m., those words partied in my brain and they sounded fucking historic.
 
Words inside of one’s head have such power – until they land flat on paper (or, in this case, a computer screen) with the knowledge that anyone outside of the mind might read them and cast them lower than their original self-importance.
 
Alas, here I am, not alone, sitting with these words, aching and begging to get out, to have their fun and fifteen-minutes of not-so-famous fame.
 
There’s something about living in a foreign country that allows – no, DEMANDS—that one finally acknowledge one’s own thoughts.  
 
Let’s face it: When you are in your own country with others who speak the same language and you hear said language around you all of the time, it can be intimidating. Your thoughts line up with everyone else’s and form a sort of chain-gang, or – as I like to call it – call of the herd.
 
But when you are seemingly alone in a foreign country with a language that, even if you speak it fluently, does not curse through your veins in the same way of your native language, those thoughts of yours can begin to really stand out and get very LOUD.
 
My momentary stream of consciousness is that of a 40-something, who at one time thought she had achieved and experienced a lot in life, but now, in this silence, questions whether she has truly achieved and experienced anything at all.
 
Yesterday, I received my 20th rejection letter (if you count all the rejection letters received from A-List film festivals my first feature film received) for a writing competition designated toward Women Writers over 40.
 
As it stands at present, I have one ultra-low budget feature film awaiting its date for distribution, one (hopefully) higher budget feature film in development, am rewriting my first feature film (larger budget) for the eighth time, producing the last legs of post-production on a short film  that my 14-year-old daughter wrote, directed and acted in, and am trying to figure out how to get to NYC for an audition invitation that I really don’t want to pass up. This week.
 
Next week, I’m getting a tooth implant put in to replace a very solid, healthy tooth which I lost while chomping on a Salade Nicoise in Cannes, France during the 2018 Cannes International Film Festival and Film Market.  
 
(This is my life: I have one moment of ‘here I am world, lookie, lookie at me – I’ve got it made!’ and end up losing a major tooth from a non-pitted olive in what is, basically, a glorified garden salad with canned tuna fish).
 
And, at the same time, as it were, I’m moving from Bergedorf-Hamburg back to Berlin (where I lived in the 90’s in my twenties). Indeed, the universe has this wonky way of serving up life’s craziest of moments on the same plate all at once.
 
And the upcoming MBA fall course load for which I need to prepare….
 
The crowdfunding campaign for that indie in development I look to finish designing...
 
And the October WIFT Germany/Hamburg Panel Discussion I absolutely must finish organizing.
 
Whew. Woah. It’s a lot on paper (no wonder I can’t sleep). 
 
Yet, my innermost thoughts don’t seem phased by all of the above one bit. No. Instead, they dance around unknown, unconquered territory of the white abyss.
 
And, ultimately, I ask myself:  Am I ALONE with these experiences, or do others also go through them? 
 
Much like one of my favorite poets, Emily Dickinson, I find myself needing to write, not to stand out, but rather to find my tribe.  
 
You can only say so much with an Instagram selfie by a castle with the hashtag: #expatlife.  And so, here I am, at 7:32 a.m. on a Friday morning in the German town of Bergedorf.  Writing. 
 
As I finish these collections of words, I am cognizant of the fact that this is a privileged life of self-imposed isolation that many would give their eye tooth (the one I split on an olive in Cannes) and that I should redirect these inner thoughts toward goals of something greater than falling on a white screen just to be heard. 
 
GET OUT THERE AND DO SOMETHING TO CHANGE YOUR WORLD FOR THE BETTER!
 
Maybe, just maybe, by opening up as to what I really think, I might also encourage other introverts like myself to open the doors to their thoughts as well.  You can be surrounded by the most beautiful tapestries and still feel silenced… until you are heard.  
 
Maybe this exercise in putting typeset to white space is about claiming my existence.  
 
Yes, it’s fun to put your hat in the ring for public acknowledgement (and support) in this or that competition, but what is the point of such “encouraging” competitions when they leave you feeling crappier about yourself, your talent and accomplishments after entering than you did before?
 
Maybe the real magic is in the doing?
 
I have written many a blog and article and essay and journal in the past, but this time is different. This time is about the beginning toward the end. When you reach your post mid-40-something years (how’s that for vagueness? I won’t let you age-discriminate me! LOL), and many of your loved ones have left you for the unknown after-life, you wake up to the realization that it is your turn to leave something of a legacy for the younger generations behind you. 
 
(They might not know it and are damned if they’ll acknowledge it, but sometime soon they will need your random words to act as a balm for their own!)
 
Here’s the absolute inner truth of my soul right now, at this moment, alone in my Bergedorf flat, far away from home, writing with jetlag: 
 
I wish, more than anything, that my dearly departed father and grandparents, and uncles and aunts, and cousins, and mentors, and friends – all of those who have passed on to the next world, that “undiscovered country from which no traveler returns” (Shakespeare: Hamlet) – would have left more random thoughts and musings for me to read.
 
I would love to bring their thoughts into this lonely and fearful heart.  I miss them. So. Terribly.
 
Truth is, they probably, like you and I, thought that those racing thoughts – the ones that wake us in the still of the night and would rather send us to the refrigerator than truly reveal themselves – did not matter or count.  They most likely drowned those thoughts in tormented self-pity and cruel atonement, as I did this morning when I initially mused, “Who would want to read them, anyway?”
 
I would. I would have wanted to read their thoughts any way, any how, any where.
 
And that is why I write. 
 
PS. I just read the above jumble of collected words to my husband, who, wondering what I was passionately typing like a beast on the computer, stopped on his way to work this morning to inquire and listen. 
 
“You have such a gift. You should keep writing,” he said.
 
;)